I am feeling a lot better about everything, now.
I had a deep meditative session yesterday.
Then I listened to some of the Audiobook "Untethered Soul" (at .7 speed it's hypnotic, even when quite sober) and I had some nice closed eye visuals (photographically crips scenes; hyper-realistic.)
I was able to find myself grateful for the wonderful things I get from all of my relationships while realizing that it's pure ego for me to insist that others fulfill *any* need of mine that I can (in fact) meet myself. Or even if I can't,
I still need to embrace the reality that I can't pin it on anyone else to meet ANY need of mine, no matter how small and reasonable it is, in my mind, or how it would be perceived by someone else.
It's ME assigning meaning to the actions that I'm hoping to force others to perform FOR me for me to accept that others love me.
It's a little narcissistic.
If I find myself having a hard time letting go of another person's "failure" to meet some pedestalized ideal which I voluntarily hold that they don't even understand I'm thinking of that way, through fears formed primarily by what I imagine I might think of others if they described tolerating the same circumstance I have in mind.
But since that's voluntary, I can choose the alternative; to stop doing that.
Yeah, I imagine I'd be happier if I could get all the little comforts I want, but I'd just want more. The particular things I made so important and meaningful would fade and others would take their place.
I wouldn't grow.
Instead, I can keep tabs on my own reactions and delve into how to meet my needs, someone important doesn't take it upon themself to do some thing that I WANT but don't NEED them to do, when I'm being honest with myself.
Which means that I'm still going around trying to justify my being dishonest with myself.
I'm sure it will take some time to fully embrace these self-teachings, but now I don't feel like I have to feel guilty for "letting" my someone treat me" in a way I felt I couldn't be proud of.
I think I can let that go and I think it will have a great impact on our relationship.
Commentaires